As much as I have loved to cook and spend hours in my kitchen, I have also spend years writing satire and recording commentary on the state of the world or better yet the absurdity of our times. After years of writing letters to publishers in hopes of eventually someone would read my words , I ceased and allowed them to collect a little dust. So why not round out this new serious commintment with few light words of jest. This week’s subject is…… what happens at a grand opening of a supermarket which is appropiately named “Is this really grand?”

Have you ever wondered why all new businesses, stores in particular, always have GRAND OPENINGS? Why just once can’t we have a Sensational Start, Fabulous First Day, or a Bullish Beginning!

Webster and local entrepreneurs definitely have mixed messages as to the true definition of grand. There have been grand pianos and grand hotels, even a thousand dollars in cash has been grand. There are rare cases of grand reflecting dignified or admirable. Perhaps a duke or duchess would have this lofty status of grand. Could it be magnificent or splendid as in the description of the Titanic? I think not . . . However, if it’s large in scope or size or creation of extravagant outer show without any convincing proof of merit, you have the essence of today’s subject.

I found nothing grand about supermarket opening day, pushing my way through hoards of hungry predators loosely called customers who were seen scooping handfuls of loss leaders and attacking remains of germ-laden tortilla chips. Unwanted sale chickens were tossed onto other food displays. God only knows where all those unrefrigerated foul birds were eventually returned to! This store did not come with the usual number of check-outs . . . this mega-market had 13 check-outs.

Those old slow check writing days have been pre-empted by the wonderful speed of ATM cards. However, this cashier fresh out of school of propaganda plastic seems most eager to replace another piece of plastic in my overburdened wallet. “May I offer one of our Plucky rewards card!” I smiled and remarked, “My dear, my exit through your front door of this store will be reward enough!”

But wait a minute! I see strange lights in the sky. No! It’s not a spaceship or a new energizer flashlight battery shining near a strange collection of UWO’s (unidentified walking objects). They are earthen-controlled spotlights that are ostentatiously announcing another GRAND OPENING just unfolded to a persuadable populace!